[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
You Might Also Like
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
That’s fair
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.