Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
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Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*