NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
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In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
gentlemen, hear me out
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.