If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
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Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
God has left this place
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Reporter: *ports again*
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
the battle rages on
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*