Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
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ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Haha! 😂
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Hitlers gonna hitl
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore