Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole