Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
You Might Also Like
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
fixed it
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes