Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
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Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I think I’ll stand
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.