Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
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I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES