You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
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take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.