8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
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I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.