Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
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Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.