BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
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*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Called it
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
figuring out my emotional availability:
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol