Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
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Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise