My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
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Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Monday
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.