Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
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You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Great game to play with friends
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox