Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
You Might Also Like
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”