how it started vs how it ended
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.