Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
the battle rages on
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
How about I get 100% off by already being there
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Imma just leave this here…………
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?