*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
You Might Also Like
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening