interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Me, reading some of your tweets
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.