I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
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Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.