Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
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If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.