Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
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need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet