The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
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#Caturday
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?