The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
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11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were