Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
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Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[eats all your cotton candy]
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.