You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
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I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.