My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands