i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
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Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
selena gomez
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”