But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
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My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them