[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
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Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I hope they boil the right one.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.