Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.