remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
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*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I am having an out of money experience.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.