my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
The struggle is real.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
LOL
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.