Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
You Might Also Like
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
mood
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis