shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
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Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
*pronounces fake like saké*
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra