“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
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Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.