[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
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The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.