You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
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My safe word is Worcestershire
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
life finds a way
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class