The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
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I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.