Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
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Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”