[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
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I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
this has done me in for some reason
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.