Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
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(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
the last thing a carrot sees
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.