run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
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Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
spicy snake
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…