Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
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Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing