*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
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how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
pat pat
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.