There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Bobby pin
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
every. time.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
“OMGJK” -atheists