George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
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“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell