My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
You Might Also Like
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Ah yes. The three genders
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
The happy life.. 😊
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay